Hello my friends! How are you all?
So it’s September already and August has been crazy. Like really, awfully, crazily crazy.
Last Thursday, Pops got into a road accident, and although our family vehicle was a wreck, he was, by a gracious miracle, out of grave danger and suffered only minor contusions.
I did not know what to feel at that time. I was under a deluge of confused thoughts and feelings in the days that followed. I was actually feeling really bad because I was a plane ride away, and could not go home at once. I felt helpless calling mama, asking how everything was. I was scared for a moment too, realizing what could have happened had there been a hairline of a difference in the incident that transpired. We could’ve been orphaned at worst, and I seriously had not been ready for that kind of reality. 😵
You know that chill that runs through the spine, and you suddenly go cold and weak, because you cannot imagine being confronted by a news you did not expect? And like for a second there you had that crude fear for your own life too? That’s what the past week had been, crazy. I guess such strong mortality salience can make you think of so many things eh? 🤷🏻♀️
I also wondered if I’d be able to keep up with this living away from family and not being there whenever they needed me. I had been away from home since college, which is almost 15 years already. And I have never been so bothered until now. In the past few years the family had taken rounds doing hospital watch for Nanay and Tatay. Now, with the recent turn of events, I feel I could never forgive myself if I’d still be away in such moments. I think my language of love has always been service.
I did cry for a time, asking God if this was my personal prayer (with all those hypothetical questions) answered very cruelly and quite emphatically.
Don’t get me wrong, we have our dreams that propel us. I have very, very lofty dreams to live for, to be honest. That’s why I give up so many things for them. But, to borrow from the good bible — what shall it profit a man if we make our lives better, and make our lofty dreams come true, but regret the everyday that we miss being there for the people we build those dreams for and with, in the first place?
It’s too good a point to miss out on, right? And a lifetime of regretting to live with.
I dunno, I’m thinking that maybe this is just the birthday month blues again. Or perhaps this is another one of those tests of character where we get to a particular crossroad that will determine the direction of the rest of our lives because there will be no more turning back from there, only moving forward.
And if it is, I bet my latin honors from UP, this is one test I do not want to fail and be sorry for, for the rest of my life.
Nobody said growing up could be this complex, really. I thought that when you get past those silly, young romance & relationship hullabaloos, and find your zen in your realities, it will be alright already.
But no. Haha.
I just thank God, every single day, that I have my siblings, and a family, to always draw extra strength from.
Anyway, I trust that God will lead us all to whichever way is best for all of us. I hope, too, that you continue to trust in Him, my friends.
Do keep going! 🌻